CHURCH HILL, Va. — Bride-to-be and proud Church Hill resident Sarah Mahoney has begun uninviting friends to her wedding after learning of their decision to move to Midlothian, The Peedmont learned Monday.
Both Mahoney and her fiancée Raymond Pollack have lived in Church Hill for the past seven years and claim to have no plans of ever leaving. Their wedding, scheduled to take place this fall at Chimborazo Park, was purported to be a grand affair in the making. However, the two no longer expect all of their friends will make it to the big day.
“We started with a list of about 250 close friends and family,” Mahoney told The Peedmont. “But then I heard one of my bridesmaids say she and her boyfriend wanted to find a nice house with some land out near Chesterfield Town Center and I just lost it.”
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Mahoney began scouring social media and even hired a private investigator to determine how many other invitees might have similar thoughts of fleeing Church Hill for a one-horse town surrounded by car dealerships.
“It turned out to be way more than I expected,” Mahoney said. “It was an epidemic. What’s so special about having a Wegmans anyway? We have a perfectly good Farm Fresh a few blocks away.”
Mahoney’s feelings of betrayal deepened as she considered the prospect of having to drive 15 minutes to visit her former friends. “They might as well have moved to Botswana,” Mahoney said at the thought of having to have brunch at Denny’s.
After a thorough cleansing, the wedding list was reduced by more than half. Mahoney’s fiancée was taken aback by his partner’s sudden decision but wanted to make sure his future wife was happy.
“Happy wife happy life, right?” Pollack said, eyeing his bride and pulling uncomfortably at his collar. After Mahoney was called away suddenly by a phone call from her P.I., Pollack’s demeanor changed. “Is she gone? Good. Last week my mom went all the way to Westchester Commons to see “Ocean’s 8” and now even she’s on thin ice with Sarah. Somebody please stop her.”
At press time, eyewitnesses reported that Mahoney had since disinvited her fiancée after discovering he had been googling houses in the Midlothian area and planned on “going stag” to her own wedding.
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