News Peed

Local Metal Band Piss Wizard Excited to Open for Bernie Sanders at the Arthur Ashe Center

RICHMOND, Va. — Expressing excitement for the monumental occasion, area hardcore folk metal band Piss Wizard is looking forward to opening for hopeful Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders at his rally today, the band announced on Facebook. 

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According to lead guitarist Jeff “Cumstock” Walton, the Museum District based four-piece group is hoping for a lot of good exposure from the show, as well as the opportunity to play in front of more than eight people. 

“Normally we just land gigs over at OUR House, or we just play at our friend Steve’s place whenever he plays with his band Trial by Wombat. It would have been cool to play at The National, but I hear Arthur Ashe was an alright dude, so whatever” Walton explained, noting that this particular booking really took the band by surprise.

“When our drummer Dave said he got us opening for Sanders, we thought it was like some anarcho-punk rally against the large corporations, or something. We just finished a new song called ‘Godzilla Pope’ and we can’t wait to see how that sounds in a big venue in front of a packed house.”

“We’re going to fuckin’ tear this rally apart,” he continued. “I don’t really know much about Bernie Sanders, but he looks like the kind of guy who would get into fight trying to send back a pastrami sandwich at a deli, so he’s very representative of our fanbase.”

Sanders’s campaign official, Misty Russell explained, “We needed a band that really stuck it to capitalist fat cats and their corporate greed, but Rage Against the Machine charged too much, so we’re stuck with Piss Wizard. Luckily, they only asked for a case of Natty and a dime bag per person as payment.”

“Hopefully they can fill the Arthur Ashe Center with that angsty energy that really speaks to Bernie’s base,” Russell continued. “We’re a little concerned since it’s so much bigger than The National.”

The band concluded their statement by advocating for fans to create a massive wall of death during their set to symbolize the wall of death that will come for the nation’s billionaires if Sanders is elected later this year. 

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