RICHMOND, Va. — Richmond’s one billionaire, Octavia VanderSloot, announced yesterday morning that she intended to chain herself to the doors of the Arthur Ashe Center in protest of today’s Bernie Sanders rally.
VanderSloot, heiress to the Post-it Note fortune, and wife to a series of wealthy men who had an unfortunate allergy to arsenic, has her reasons for choosing to reside in Richmond. “Mostly the lower cost of living and the lack of traffic,” she said. “I may be rich, but I’m not crazy.”
VanderSloot, who has a net worth of close to $10 billion, has taken it upon herself to fight what she calls the inflammatory anti-billionaire language that Sanders has used throughout his campaign. VanderSloot explained, “He’s making us billionaires look bad. I just want people to know that I’m just a normal woman. I put my emerald-encrusted Versace wolf riding pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else.”
“Actually,” she continued, “I have a girl for that, but you get the point. When I heard his last speech, I was so disheartened by his hurtful rhetoric that I only beat my maid twice for failing to hand wash my dining tiara. Shameful.”
VanderSloot stated that she plans to chain herself to the Arthur Ashe Center’s front door starting at 1 p.m. and will chant “Let them drink PBR,” until she is either arrested or her footman arrives to take her to her 4 p.m. tennis lesson.
Dennis Jones, the Arthur Ashe Center’s head of security, was unmoved by VanderSloot’s threat to chain herself to the door. “Worst case scenario, we’ll have a crazy lady holding up the ID check line. So, your average weekday.”