News Peed

Richmond Restaurant Tax Triples Following Visit From Bernie Sanders

RICHMOND, Va. — Richmond’s local economy has taken a stunning blow since Democratic Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders arrived in town for his rally at the Arthur Ashe Junior Athletic Center yesterday. Upon stepping foot in the city limits, Richmond’s restaurant tax tripled in response to the Senator’s visit, economists reported Friday morning.

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According to Mayor Levar Stoney, the tax increase took him completely by surprise. “We don’t have any idea what happened,” he explained. “One minute, everything’s fine and then all of a sudden everyone had to pay $45.00 for a BLT. We’re getting New York prices, but without the perks.”

Sanders has long advocated for a tax increase to fund medicare care for all, which has been met with both support and criticism from both sides of the political spectrum. Crystal Brooks, a Sanders supporter, is ecstatic at the new tax increase, “This is exactly why we need a populist outsider like Bernie to shake things up,” she explained, without explaining how a congressional career of almost twenty years confers outsider status.

As of press time, most of Richmond’s famed restaurants have permanently closed or rushed to reorganize their business plans due to the high taxes. L’Opossum has resorted to serving nothing but actual opossum, locally sourced, of course. The owners of German restaurant Metzger Bar & Butchery have constructed a large wall through the center of the dining room, with the Eastern side serving only borscht.

The wait staff at Can Can Brassiere have announced a strike and approximately 70% of Richmond restaurants now serve nothing but vodka.

Local restaurateur, Frank Hitchens tried to look at the bright side. “Well, Sanders has always said that the billionaires need to pay their fair share and I agree. I mean, I sunk a few hundred thousand dollars into this place, but I own more than two pairs of shoes so I’d say I’m pretty close to Bezos.”

The Richmond City government announced that they gained approximately $5 million in tax revenue from the new restaurant tax. In unrelated news, the city also announced a pay increase for all city officials in the amount of $4,999,950.00 and $50.00 for new social programs and schools.

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