City Council to Hire Olympic Judges to Score People Parallel Parking In Carytown

RICHMOND, Va. — In an effort to bring jobs to the community, Richmond City Council proposed an idea of hiring and certifying Olympic judges to score parallel parking ability in Carytown, sources confirmed Sunday.

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According to City Council member Shelly Gordon, the idea is intended to both alleviate the congested parking situation and offer jobs to Richmond locals.

“Since we don’t have the funds to hire Olympic judges in full force, the plan is to get residents certified so they can judge and properly score people as they attempt to parallel park in Carytown,” Gordon explained, adding that the judges would be trained to use a traditional one through ten score, with ten being the best. 

“The critiquing factors the judges will look at include alignment to the street, distance to the curb, and how much space you gave the vehicles behind and ahead of you. If you can slide in perfectly and get within six inches of the curb while leaving your neighbors plenty of space to get out, then you can expect a solid 10. Those who half-ass their attempt by rolling up on the curb or parking over a foot away from the sidewalk can expect a low score.”

Gordon also added that, much like parking ticket attendants, the judges will be paid commission on their work if photographic proof is provided to validate their harsh scores. 

“Commission will help the judges dish out the brutal truth to some of these people that couldn’t park a Smart Car in a space that could fit a jumbo jet. We’re confident that not only will this help bring more jobs to the community, but it will also result in better utilization of on-street parking.”

When asked where in the budget the money that would be used to certify and employ judges would come from, Gordon answered that those who score less than a three would be required to pay a small fine a list of recommended driving schools.

If the project succeeds, City Council members say they plan to expand the program to train judges to score Richmonders on their ability to properly park Bolt Scooters, which they hope leads to training people to stop tossing them aside like a five year old with a bike.

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