Virginia to Require ID and Clean Bill of Health to Vote

RICHMOND, Va. — In an effort to get the highest possible voter turnout for Super Tuesday’s Democratic primary, Virginia is now requiring both a valid form of photo identification and a clean bill of health for all voters in order to combat the spread of coronavirus.

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Beginning this Tuesday, voters will have to prove their identity as well as providing assurances that they are not a walking incubator of the global apocalypse. Election officials put the measure in place at the urging of noted medical professional Vice President Mike Pence. They insist that the new rules are a safety precaution, and this is in no way an attempt to suppress voter turnout.

“In the wake of coronavirus, everyone’s health and safety are of the utmost importance come election day,” Diana Goldstein, a representative from the Virginia Department of Elections, said in a statement Tuesday morning, explaining that voters will have to do a bit more than wash their hands when voting in today’s election.

Election officials will require that all voters go through a decontamination protocol prior to entering the voting booth, and anyone seen sneezing, coughing, wheezing, or otherwise appearing ill will be permanently disenfranchised. Goldstein went on to mention that anyone who votes for Democratic candidate Michael Bloomberg will be immediately quarantined until further notice.

“We’ve put strict measures in place to ensure that the primary is safe, orderly and legal,” Goldstein said. “The last thing we want is for people to do something rash, like panic-vote for Ron Paul even though the guy’s almost dead, right?”