RICHMOND, Va. — After numerous attempts to quarantine what has been described as “a deadly virus of tacky chain shops, disappointing franchise restaurants, and a snobbish atmosphere,” Gov. Ralph Northam has declared a state of emergency for Virginia in the wake of Short Pump’s unmanageable growth and development. “Short Pump is an area that has seen expansion at rapidly increasing rates over the past decade and is becoming dangerously uncontrollable,” Northam stated. “I urge all citizens to prepare for a possible evacuation and to make any necessary arrangements in the event that Short Pump becomes unstable. City officials are currently attempting negotiations with the monstrosity, as well as exploring alternative solutions to prevent what could be a complete assimilation of the rest of the state.”
It is unclear what measures will be taken, although one source close to the governor did mention that any and all attempts to salvage the tragically-located Trader Joe’s and REI will be considered.
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