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Ellwood Thompson’s Employee Leaves Reusable Flaming Bag of Shit On Whole Foods Doorstep

RICHMOND, Va.— Citing a strong desire to be Richmond’s premier overpriced health food provider, Ellwood Thompson’s employee, Dan Phillips, allegedly left a flaming bag of dog shit on the doorstep of the new Whole Foods grocery store on Broad Street, sources revealed Monday.

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According to reports, Richmond Police believe he was angered that another company would dare encroach on Ellwood Thompson’s tradition of selling $14 bunches of alfalfa sprouts and dubious nutritional supplements to Fan residents.

The new 47,000-square-foot Whole Foods location opened on January 31 in the former Pleasants Hardware location and was met with much fanfare by local residents. Almost immediately, it has cast a large shadow on Ellwood Thompson’s as a mainstay for health food. Many speculate that Phillips believed that if he waged a guerrilla harassment campaign against Whole Foods, the grocery conglomerate would go back to only suckering Short Pump residents out of their money. 

“Whole Foods isn’t even that great,” Phillips said in an interview following the incident. “It’s basically just a bougie-ass Food Lion. It can’t hold a candle to all that Ellwood Thompson’s has to offer.”

According to Richmond Police, Phillips was spotted on security cameras setting the bag alight outside of Whole Foods and then fleeing the scene on his single speed bicycle. Police arrested him the following day while he restocked a display of free-range mung bean sprouts and charged him with misdemeanor disorderly conduct. Phillips has a hearing scheduled for July 9, at which time he is expected to enter a guilty plea.  

At his arraignment, Philips bristled when asked if using a bag with the logo of the company he worked for was a smart idea.

“Look, I wanted nothing more than to punk the shit out of Bezos and those corporate drones over at Whole Foods, but I’m not willing to fuck over the Hawksbill Sea Turtle in the process,” Phillips said. “Plus, I wanted those organic shitstains to know that we’ve got their number.”

Phillips has refused to comment on where the shit came from but insisted that it was both gluten and GMO free. He has vowed to continue to wage a campaign of probiotic warfare against Whole Foods.

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