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Mayor Stoney Self-Quarantines on Belle Isle, Detonates Pedestrian Footbridge

RICHMOND, Va. — Following his declaration of a state of emergency on Friday due to the global coronavirus pandemic, Mayor Levar Stoney retreated to Belle Isle where he placed himself under quarantine, dynamiting the pedestrian suspension bridge after crossing.

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In a statement launched to onlookers from a Flying Squirrels t-shirt cannon, Mayor Stoney delivered the following address: “As mayor, I am charged with using my power to keep the people of Richmond safe, secure, and continuously aware of any new threats as they develop. And I can’t do my job if I’m sick, so you assholes need to keep back. Way the fuck back.”

“P.S.,” his address continued, “Don’t try rock-hopping over here from Manchester, either. I boobytrapped the boulders and stocked the river with alligators. Sorry, but it’s every man or woman for themselves.”

Officials have advised all residents to avoid the area, including the Buttermilk Trail, at all costs, due to the high risk of hidden explosives possibly planted around the north bank of the island. At press time, Mayor Stoney was reportedly pulling the rainfly over his tent and wondering if GrubHub has delivery drones yet.

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