RICHMOND, Va. — Former governor, potential presidential candidate, and current Irish caricature, Terry McAuliffe, announced today that he would be abstaining from the usual St. Patrick’s Day celebrations. Despite this, early reports indicated that he was still drunker than everyone at Siné, who, on average, were at least four Irish car bombs in by noon.
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However, patrons at Siné were baffled that, despite not having had a drink in approximately 24 hours, McAuliffe still maintained a level of intoxication that could take down a particularly feisty walrus.
Further reports confirmed that although he was not participating in the festivities, McAuliffe still engaged in his usual routine of arriving at Siné for an early-morning boilermaker with a side of toast.
Francis O’Hagan, a bartender at the establishment, commented on the relaxed and seemingly sober McAuliffe. “I opened up early for the holiday to prepare for the rush of scantily clad sorority girls ready to mock a proud culture during an extended day of debauchery, when I ran into Terry,” he explained.
“Even after we opened, Terry just sat there watching March Madness on the TV and reading a book, which was a nice departure from the one year where he almost set the bar on fire with flaming Dr. Peppers.”
As the morning continued, the former governor was reportedly mocked for not partying by fellow patron Chad Kowalski. Witnesses said that Kowalski challenged McAuliffe to a beer-chugging contest, calling him a lazy potato muncher. McAuliffe responded to Kowalski’s assertion by pulling out his state-required breathalyzer and, in a show of dominance, proceeded to blow a 0.5 BAC.
Following his declaration of inebriation, McAuliffe stood up on the bar, and in an affected, apparently Irish accent, shouted, “Oi I aven’t ‘ad a draink al’ day an’ oi’m still drunker than al’ av yer derdy bastards!”
At press time, McAuliffe, who by all medical standards should have been in a coma or suffering from severe respiratory arrest, calmly returned to the bar, ordered a water, and left, telling reporters he “needed to go home to get a wee bit o’ rest.”
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