CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Touting that he “won’t be taken down by a disease named after an imported beer,” Kyle Ridge, a political science major at UVA who currently has at least four confirmed STDs, challenged the coronavirus to bring it on, according to sources at the university.
“Bring it, you weak-ass sickness! You aren’t shit,” Ridge reportedly yelled from the Lawn Saturday morning before shotgunning a Bud Light. “I once got thrown up on while receiving a blow-job. You don’t scare me.”
Despite both his familiarity with diseases and the ongoing health crisis worldwide, Ridge is confident that his immune system won’t let him down. “Me and my Wahoo homies at Alpha Delta Phi aren’t going down without a fight, bro. So bring it. It wasn’t over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, and it sure as hell isn’t over now.”
Despite his bravery, sources close to Ridge have revealed that if he does indeed die from coronavirus, he is asking that, in lieu of flowers, the attendees of his funeral perform a twenty-one kegstand salute.