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VCU Student Still Late to Online Class

RICHMOND, Va. — Explaining that he lost track of time during his typical morning routine, VCU sophomore and anthropology major Shawn Alderman was late for his Astronomy class Monday morning despite it being held online, sources confirmed Monday.

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“Sorry, sorry I’m late, guys, sorry,” he explained in a Zoom chat with his professor, before offering his standard litany of excuses for his delay. “My alarm didn’t go off when it was supposed to. And then my roommate, Brian, took, like, forever in the bathroom, and then Windows took like two hours to do its automatic updates,” said Alderman, who was hungover and had taken an extra 20 minutes to smoke a bowl before class.

While the ongoing coronavirus pandemic has resulted in all VCU classes being conducted remotely for the remainder of the semester, it has had little impact on Alderman’s consistent tardiness and his penchant for insincere assurances.

“It was like a comedy of errors, I swear this usually doesn’t happen,” continued Alderman, who hasn’t been on time for anything since his orientation two years ago. “It won’t happen again, I promise.”

At press time, Alderman was wondering if four minutes would be enough time to rub one out and get a quick round of Overwatch in before his Archaeological Theory lecture.

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