Falwell Offers Liberty Students a Chance to Meet Jesus by the End of the Semester

LYNCHBURG, Va. — Following the decision to allow students to remain on campus during the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, Liberty University is giving students a chance to meet Jesus Christ by the end of the semester, the school announced Wednesday. 

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“The health and safety of our students is a top priority, and who better a mentor than the big guy himself?” Jerry Falwell Jr., the school’s president, said in a statement, clarifying that approximately 4% of the student body could be fortunate enough to meet Jesus Christ in the next few months. The remainder of students are expected to return for the fall semester, since the university requires their tuition payments to pay for Falwell’s shady business dealings. 

“By allowing students to remain on campus grounds, we’re not only offering them a lesson in our version of social distancing, but also setting them up for a one-way trip to meet the man himself. Giving our youth a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to meet the Son of God in Heaven is just one of many things that makes our university unique.”

Falwell did note that attempts at meeting Jesus Christ would be considered extracurricular work outside of the classroom; however, those who succeed will receive an honorary doctorate in willful ignorance of basic biology.