RICHMOND, Va. — A new study commissioned by the Virginia Grocery Store Association (VGSA) has revealed that 100% of Richmonders pick their grocery store based on whether or not the store carries Ukrop’s baked goods, the department said Saturday.
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“The results confirmed what we thought all along,” Cynthia Dawson, a spokesperson for the VGSA, said in a press conference. “Central Virginians know what they want from a grocery store, and that something is the nostalgic taste of a lightly toasted White House Roll with a little bit of butter spread across the top, among other related items.”
According to the study, 100% of the estimated 20,000 consumers surveyed said they’ll only go shopping at a store that carries any of the following signature Ukrop’s items: rainbow cookies, white house rolls, macaroni and cheese, and any of the legendary sweets from the famed Ukrop’s bakery.
Dawson also noted that in addition to the overwhelming support for Ukrop’s, all 20,000 of those added the phrase “Whole Foods can go suck it” to the “additional comments” portion at the bottom of the survey.
Goochland resident Harry Trowers says he exclusively gives his business to stores that carry the late grocery store’s popular items. “I told myself I’d never shop at a Publix,” he explained, “because their famous fried chicken tastes like day-old KFC when compared to the sublime lard and spice magic of Ukrop’s fried chicken. But when I heard they started selling butter star cookies, I caved in.”
The study also gained the attention of Ukrop’s United, a local organization that staunchly advocates for increases of Ukrop’s items in grocery stores across the state. Jim Valentine, the group’s chairman, says the results simply speak for themselves.
“Well no shit, Sherlock,” he said in an interview, before going into an attack against people who don’t shop at stores that offer Ukrop’s goods. “No self-respecting Virginian would shop at a place that doesn’t carry the ultimate holy grail of grocery items. Sorry, but you’re a traitor to the commonwealth if you choose to only shop at a place like Wegman’s.”
The results of the survey also concluded that any grocery store that can successfully replicate the famous breakfast pizza that Ukrop’s once served would likely capture 100% of the consumer market, thus putting all other grocery stores out of business.