Stay-At-Home Policy Forces Roommates to Publicly Address Living Room Masturbation Issue

RICHMOND, Va. — Gov. Ralph Northam’s stay-at-home order has caused Fan roommates Brian Kilsey, Matthew Nguyen, and Chris Nichols to finally address their ongoing living room masturbation issue, sources confirmed Tuesday.

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According to Nichols, the debate about whether or not jacking off in the living room area was acceptable had been subtle, with each roommate developing unofficial guidelines on how it should be handled.

“At first, it wasn’t a big deal, as long as only one of us was home and the perpetrator cleaned up after himself,” Nichols explained. “But this whole quarantine thing has changed everything. I can’t be on a video call with my coworkers while Chris is sprawled out on the sofa in the background, rubbing one out in plain view. With all of us trapped in the apartment through the first half of June, it’s time we bring the topic of jerking off in common areas to the table.” 

At the time of reporting, sources close to the apartment revealed that the shared bathroom’s shower was being considered a temporarily acceptable location for masturbating, despite being deemed off-limits when the lease was signed in 2017.