Chesterfield Dad Driven to Day Drinking Trying to Teach Son “New Math”

CHESTERFIELD, Va. — Now that schools in the Commonwealth have closed, parents are being forced to actually pay attention to what their children are learning. Among these new, and thus wrong and frightening, topics is what has been termed “new math.” 

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While most educators would claim that “new math” is simply an improved method of teaching old mathematical concepts, Bill Hartman, a father in Chesterfield, claims that new math was developed to cause his newfound descent into debilitating alcoholism.

“My son, Frankie, is 10 years old and has been home from school and I tried to help him with his math homework,” he explained. “Now, this wasn’t even the type of math with the little letters, but I was already reaching for a handle of Maker’s Mark by the third problem.”

Sloshed but undeterred, Hartman noted that there was a plus side to his self-medicating. “I got so stressed out that me and my buddies just started day drinking in the driveway, six feet apart of course, but then I saw an opportunity.”

In an attempt to continue his rigorous day drinking regimen and also teach his son the concepts of new math, Hartman developed a new program called “drunk math.”
“Drunk math is genius and it teaches my son not only the finer points of mathematics, but also mixology,” Hartman said. “They should honestly be teaching all the kids this stuff, instead of preparing them for useless SOLs.”

Rather than follow the methodology of new math, drunk math allows Hartman to have six gin and tonics before 2 p.m. on a Tuesday, while teaching his son ratios, measurements, and proper lime placement. Example problems include, “If Daddy has four whisky sours every 3 hours, how long until his BAC is high enough that he starts talking to the dog about his intimacy issues?”

Another reads, “If Daddy pours three ounces of Vodka into ten ounces of orange juice, how many ounces of screwdriver can he drink before Mommy finds out?”

Hartman concluded, “Look, my son ain’t gonna be no math scientist, but he’ll be a hell of a bartender after this whole thing blows over.”