Closure of Public Beaches Improves Virginia Beach by 200% Overnight

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. — Following Gov. Ralph Northam’s stay-at-home order that included closures of all public beaches, Virginia Beach saw an overall quality improvement of nearly 200% overnight, the Virginia Beach Tourism Board (VBTB) announced Saturday. 

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“Both the beach and the boardwalk went from being cesspools of garbage, used condoms, and younger 20-somethings wearing backwards baseball caps to an almost inviting oceanside community,” Rachel Walsh, a spokesperson for the VBTB said in a statement, also remarking on the sudden disappearance of Jeep Wranglers plastered with OBX bumper stickers that has help propel the city’s livability index up 200%.

“It was like night and day — well, literally. Even the Neptune statue looks as if he just got a fresh paint job following the closure of the beaches. This is actually kind of nice, in a twisted way.”

Walsh did note that while it was nice to see Virginia Beach as one of the more desirable cities in the Hampton Roads area, she did note that a foul stench still filled the air, but that city officials had confirmed it was coming from Norfolk and that they would be addressing a solution to it soon.