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Bernie Sanders’s Proposed “IPAs for All” Healthcare Plan Met With Criticism From Stout Community

AFTON, Va. — Senator and Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders presented his new beer-centric healthcare plan at a virtual rally, originally planned to take place at Devil’s Backbone Base Camp, on Monday.

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Nicknamed “IPAs For All,” Sanders went into detail about his healthcare plan, which he claims, if passed into law, could help spread affordable hoppiness across the United States.

“It’s not up for debate that easy, affordable access to healthcare is a fundamental human right,” Sanders explained, stressing the importance of not just physical health, but also mental health. “This is why my plan calls for refreshing IPAs for everyone nationwide.”

“It’s about time the scotch sippers on Wall Street and the people who can afford to spend $40 per bottle on an aged Belgian tripel pay their share,” Sanders continued. “My plan calls for a tax on that wealthy bracket, and that’s going to help every American citizen enjoy an ice-cold IPA.”

Sanders continued, “While I don’t drink beer myself, I go to the grocery store and buy a sack of potatoes every other week. Throw a few of those in a pot and leave it out for a bit and not only do you have meals for the week, but also vodka. Spasibo!”

Despite the positive reaction from a majority of the Democratic party, the plan has drawn criticism from stout drinkers, who claim the plan doesn’t properly account for potential tax increases on the middle-class stout community, and fear that the plan could lead to inflated craft beer costs nationwide.

“Stouts are already at an all-time high at breweries everywhere,” Chris Bonham, a spokesperson from the Stout Hops Advocacy Team (SHAT), stated in an interview following the rally. “Sanders’s plan may help those in need of IPAs, but what he doesn’t understand is that in doing this you’re going to damage the rest of the beer market with rising costs. We at SHAT have done the math: why spend money on a stout, or even a saison or blonde ale, when you can get a cheap IPA?”

Bonham said that SHAT plans to mobilize the rest of the craft beer community by staging virtual protests and rallies that denounce Sanders’s plan.

“SHAT stands to fight any law that is clearly unconstitutional to the rest of the craft beer community. Sanders needs to understand that not everyone wants a bitter beverage that tastes like the spawn of rubbing alcohol and whole wheat bread.”

Sanders hopes to bridge the divide between these two communities before gose season arrives. Some sources have speculated that, in an attempt to win over some votes from SHAT and other craft beer aficionados, the senator may propose a buyback program for expired stouts stored away in refrigerators across the nation.

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