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Company’s Professional Attire Policy Revised to “For Shit’s Sake Please Put on Pants”

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Having grown tired of seeing the gangly, hirsute legs of its entire workforce on Zoom conference calls, the law firm of Loza, Stiefez, Elam, & Mortimer has amended its professional attire policy to “For Shit’s Sake Please Put on Pants.”

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The Alexandria law firm opted to allow employees to start working from home last month to comply with guidance from the governor. They initially required all employees to continue wearing a dress shirt and tie while working from home. According to Laura Gilbertson, the firm’s human resources director, the employees were irritated by the stringent policy, and as lawyers often do, soon started to look for loopholes. This led to some opting to wear ties wrapped around their heads and button-up shirts on backwards.

“The legal profession has a time-honored tradition of doing the bare minimum required with the expectation of exorbitant compensation in return,” Phillip Brandt, one of the firm’s junior attorneys, said. “If HR wanted us to wear pants they should have specified that pants were required. I’ve met the stipulations outlined in the policy sent to us on March 14 and I’m in compliance. HR has no legally sufficient reason for requiring me to wear pants.”

Gilbertson said she received numerous complaints from both employees and clients about the many attorneys who had opted to spend their workdays pantless, as that met the requirement of wearing a shirt and tie to work. Several went so far as to place their webcams so that those viewing could very clearly see their bare legs.

According to Gilbertson, the new dress code policy requiring pants will be mandatory and enforced in order to not only maintain professional standards but also to prevent possible litigation.

“We’ve all seen more outlines of testicles in boxer briefs in the last month than anyone should see in a lifetime,” Gilbertson said. “You’d think a bunch overpaid lawyers would understand how their literal exposure could expose us to a sexual harassment lawsuit, but I only make $47,000 a year so what the hell do I know.”

Gilbertson said she worked with the firm’s partners to develop an amended professional dress policy that balances the need for comfort with a measure of human decency, allowing employees to wear more casual attire provided they are covered from “nipples to nutsack” as one of the partners described it. Gilbertson hopes the firm will continue its relaxed dress code in the long term after realizing that no one needs to dress up to write intentionally verbose legal nonsense in Word documents for $700 an hour.

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