LYNCHBURG, Va. — After weeks of bad press following Liberty University President Jerry Falwell, Jr.’s lackluster response to the coronavirus pandemic, the Lynchburg Police Department announced today it had arrested a student for allegedly organizing a gathering of more than ten apostles.
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The student, identified only as “J.C.,” was witnessed leading a group of between 11 to 13 “apostle-like individuals” in prayer next to Liberty Lake in violation of social distancing guidelines set by Governor Ralph Northam on March 30. In their announcement, LUPD noted that J.C. had also been spotted passing out loaves and fishes to hungry essential university employees and at least one visually impaired student reported regaining his sight after being commanded to “heal” by an individual matching J.C.’s description.
“We hope this arrest sends a message to the greater university community and Commonwealth of Virginia that we are serious about keeping our community safe,” LU Police Chief Colonel Richard D. Hinkley said to a gaggle of reporters standing six feet apart. “No student, messiah or otherwise, is above the law.”
President Falwell released a statement soon after the press conference, urging the public to “get off my dick already” about his response to COVID-19. He added, “Jesus Christ, is this enough for you people?”
In accordance with the university’s strict guidelines regarding code of conduct violations, J.C. has already been found guilty in a hasty trial and will be crucified at dawn atop the Williams Stadium goal posts.