ARLINGTON, Va. — A startling report released today by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) predicts that fatalities as a result of home cooking will far exceed deaths from the novel coronavirus over the course of the next few months.
“With restaurants closed and grocery stores slammed, we expect many unfortunate Americans will attempt to cook for themselves,” CDC official Brian Richards explained. “If most people stick to stovetop mac and cheese, the death toll will remain fairly manageable. However, if families with Pinterest accounts get more adventurous and try their hand at making steak tartare, shrimp ceviche, or in a worst case scenario, baked bread, we could see the death toll from their efforts dwarf that from COVID-19 in a matter of months if not weeks.”
In Arlington alone, the numbers of young people aged 20-35 dying of food poisoning has spiked in recent weeks. Barry Henderson, 21, perished almost immediately after finishing a meal dubbed “Tuesday Surprise.” The CDC explained that the dish, which was Henderson’s interpretation of Julia Child’s beef bourguignon, consisted entirely of old Hamburger Helper and a bottle of wine, a combination that “proved to be at least as deadly as smallpox.”
Similar tragedies have continued to emerge across the commonwealth. Winchester resident John Louis, 29, was killed by the explosion of an unattended Instant Pot during a marathon session of Call of Duty: Warzone. George Ridley, 34, of Martinsville, remains in critical condition after eating nothing but chili for the last four months, although this appears to be the result of a “pre-existing condition.”
“The CDC views baking-related deaths as the fastest rising (pun intended) cause of death among home cooks,” Richards explained. “We believe that some people, when they reach a certain point of social isolation, begin a period of delirium wherein they believe they possess the ability to bake. Unfortunately, they do not.”
Preventable deaths from catastrophic attempts at making cakes, muffins, and in particular, bread, have contributed to at least 55% of the home cooking death toll, although the numbers are likely much higher according to authorities.
In response, the CDC has announced a new program, “Thirty Days to Slow Your Roll” with clear parameters for avoiding baking at all costs. The new guidelines advise Americans to stay at least six feet away from any baking implements for a period of 30 days. If individuals come into contact with yeast, activated or otherwise, they are encouraged to notify their primary care physician immediately.
In the meantime, the CDC has insisted that amateur chefs support local restaurants by ordering takeout or delivery and letting the pros take the lead.