RICHMOND, Va. — With the COVID-19 crisis forcing people to isolate themselves and local businesses to operate remotely or shut down, the financial strain has left many wondering how they are going to pay pthe bills, particularly your neighborhood pot dealer.
Local herbal entrepreneur Josh McDonahue, better known as “Chron Dog” to his clients, told reporters he was flabbergasted to see his sales decline amidst Governor Northam’s for Virginia residents to stay at home unless for essential reasons.
“I thought once it was decriminalized I’d be rolling in the green and rolling up the green,” McDonahue said while offering an unreciprocated fist bump. “I swear the illuminati has something to do with this, I can show you this documentary on YouTube that explains this pandemic was fabricated by the paper and clothes industry so people wouldn’t start using hemp for everything.”
He continued to explain his business model is not conducive to working remotely and has tried multiple methods that he has seen in various forms of media. He noted how he once attempted to train a squirrel to deliver marijuana like the drug dealing monkey from the 2011 film “The Hangover Part II.”
“The Squirrel just ate all my pot. I tried using drones but kept breaking them on trees and shit, there is just no effective way to sell weed remotely.”
City residents who have turned to McDonahue for their weed supply admit that the pandemic has played a role in their demand for his product.
“Chron Dog? You mean Josh, right? Yeah, he’s a pretty strange dude,” Claire Scheffler, a resident of the Fan and one of McDonahue’s customers, said to reporters. “I haven’t hit him up since this whole coronavirus thing popped off. His apartment is filthy and he is kind of a creep, there is no doubt in my mind he will end up with the rona (sic). On top of it all his weed sucks”
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Mcdonahue said after showing off his Bob Marley tapestry, “We all survived the death vape crisis of 2019, only 3 of my clients had to go to the hospital, but these carts are new and from California, so they’re legit I swear. Forty bucks a pop, that’s a great deal.” He then told reporters that every little thing is going to be alright and he will just vibe out until the pandemic blows over, probably in his mother’s basement in Midlothian.