RICHMOND, Va. — Noted counterculture weather guru WxRisk, has announced that the Richmond area will be faced with a snowstorm of epic proportions this coming August.
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This blizzard, which is being called a Summer Snow-Tastrophe or a Polar Parallelogram–a cousin of a Polar Vortex–is predicted to make landfall in Richmond, Virginia on August 15, 2020, at 2:13 p.m.
WxRisk made the announcement on his Facebook page: “POLAR PARALLELOGRAM COMING FOR RICHMOND THIS AUGUST, MODELS SHOWING THE POTENTIAL END OF ALL INTELLIGENT LIFE ON THE PLANET, MAKE YOUR PEACE WITH YOUR LOVED ONES SO AS TO SHUFFLE OFF THIS MORTAL COIL WITH NO REGRETS.”
The post continued with further details regarding the amount of snow expected. “AT LEAST 1,459 INCHES OF SNOW ACCUMULATING AT A RATE OF 10 INCHES PER SECOND THROUGH THE AFTERNOON OF AUGUST 15TH. IT WILL BE LIKE THAT SCENE IN THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW EXCEPT DENNIS QUAID DIES VERY UNCEREMONIOUSLY IN THE FIRST 10 MINUTES.”
Comments regarding the post have ranged from praise and smug satisfaction to general confusion. “Thank you for telling the truth about this coming apocalypse,” Glen Allen resident Karen Henderson commented. “Sure, we may all die of hypothermia, I’ll have to cancel my beach weekend, and then come face-to-face with my own mortality within the next few months, but at least Faux News will finally have to admit climate change is real. Thank you!”
Mark Johnson of Hopewell kept his comment short but not so sweet, “So much for global warming, libtards, lol.” Others, such as Mechanicsville resident Rodney Jenkins, remained neutral toward the announcement, posting, “Aunt Meryl is not doing well, pls send prayers.”
Though WxRisk’s prediction is fairly bold, he has added that there are alternative outcomes short of the complete annihilation of the human race, noting that “MOST MODELS DISAGREE WITH MY 1,459-INCH SNOW PREDICTION FOR MID-AUGUST, BUT AT BEST WE’RE GUARANTEED TEMPERATURES RANGING FROM ABSOLUTE ZERO TO 85 DEGREES AND SUNNY WITH MAYBE LIGHT RAIN SHOWERS IN THE AFTERNOON, WE WILL SEE.”
As a result of this stunning announcement, WxRisk has been recognized as the harbinger of the end of times. In addition to the four original horsemen of the apocalypse known as War, Conquest, Famine, and Death, WxRisk is now considered to be the fifth horseman, Flurries.