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CDC Warns Public Not to Inject Falcon Smash IPA Into Body to Treat COVID-19

Dr. Robert Redfield, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, speaks at a news conference Tuesday at the Department of Health and Human Services.

ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) issued a statement advising against injecting Triple Crossing Beer’s coveted Falcon Smash IPA directly into the human body, officials confirmed Saturday. 

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The advisory was issued in a press release immediately following President Donald Trump’s loose remarks that the popular IPA should be considered as a sort of medical disinfectant against the deadly virus made Thursday. 

“The statements made regarding the Falcon Smash IPA as a possible treatment to COVID-19 are completely false,” Hector Santos, a CDC spokesperson explained, warning that injections of any craft beers such as IPAs, stouts, lagers, or saisons directly into one’s bloodstream could prove lethal.

“The general public should not be injecting craft beer of any kind into their bloodstreams, despite how refreshing and soothing the hoppy aromas are. Even Bud Light, which is basically leftover water from another fermentation process, could be harmful to your body if not consumed properly.”

The CDC also warned people not to be fooled by the creative names of some of the beers out there, saying “just because something is called GWAR BLOOD doesn’t mean it will react positively to your blood type.” 

The CDC’s statement concluded with the advice that consuming Falcon Smash or other intoxicating beverages is a perfectly acceptable coping mechanism for managing the stress of living in the current hellscape. It emphasized that the anxiety of watching a blithering idiot in Russian clown makeup trying to manage a public health crisis is an acceptable reason to have a beer at 10:15 in the morning, Janet, so maybe get off my back, ok?


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