RICHMOND, Va. — Despite pledging to commit 24 hours towards fixing Chanello’s Pizza,
Celebrity Chef Gordon Ramsey reportedly gave up after 35 minutes calling it “disgusting,” “a disgrace,” and “run by a bunch of knobby arsemongers.”
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According to Emily Zamundio, a production assistant with the show, Ramsay was horrified from the moment he walked into the restaurant and knew it was likely beyond saving.
“Gordon has seen a lot of bad restaurants, but he was completely unprepared for Chanello’s,” Zamundio explained. “I remember he remarked that the bulletproof glass must be there to protect you from the food. That was a first for him.”
Ramsay sampled several dishes including the Juliet’s Choice pizza, of which he said he now understood the real reason why Romeo killed himself, and a Chicken Fajita sub which he described as tasting like an “Applebee’s fart.”
Zamundio said that he immediately went to work teaching the Chanello’s staff how to make a proper pizza but reportedly lost his temper when they were unable to master a simple pepperoni pizza.
“ARE YOU TAKING THE PISS?! IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE PIZZA YOU DONKEYS,” Ramsay screamed. “THIS LOOKS LIKE A DEEP FRIED JIZZ RAG COVERED IN PEPPERONI,” he added before trailing off in a tirade of incomprehensible British slang and storming out of the restaurant.
Ramsay was last seen repeatedly trying to operate a Bolt Scooter before disappearing into the night to drink away the memory of his experience. Eyewitnesses confirmed that a severely intoxicated Ramsay was later spotted sitting on the curb outside Chanello’s covered in tomato sauce and grease loudly decrying it as the world’s best pizza in between bites.