News Peed

Nordstrom’s Closing Announcement Unleashes Swarm of Murder Helens in Short Pump

swarm of murder helens

SHORT PUMP, Va. — Following the closure of the Nordstrom at Short Pump Town Center, a vicious swarm of West End Shopping Helens, commonly known as Murder Helens, has been unleashed in the community, officials announced Friday.

RELATED (article continued below):

The Helens, scientifically named Vespa Karena, have long inhabited the luxury department store, surviving comfortably on the large amounts Prada handbags and overpriced cosmetic goods found within the habitat. According to Dinshaw Patel, VCU’s lead entomologist, the colony will be forced to migrate once the store is closed.

“Now that one of their natural habitats is threatened, the colony will be forced to relocate and find a new home,” Patel explained, warning that other large department stores need to take necessary precautions now in order to avoid widespread damage and loss of life.

“These Helens can decimate an entire Macy’s or J.C. Penny in a matter of hours, and that’s without the closeout sales that are notorious for attracting an entire hive. All store employees, but especially the managers, must be vigilant and heed the warnings.”

The Helens are characterized by their Caucasian coloring, and range from four to six feet in height with freshly styled blonde hair. They can occasionally be seen with their young in the wild, bearing witness to the eradication of the minimum-wage workers that the species often preys upon.

“It’s really rather horrifying to watch a Murder Helen rip the head off of a worker drone,” Patel said. “The mere suggestion that the Helen is an Autumn and not a Spring can induce wrath and demands for recompense.”

Patel added that in addition to department stores, franchise businesses like Starbucks and The Cheesecake Factory should be prepared to face potential infestations.

“When these creatures are forced into a new environment, we should expect their behavior to be even more aggressive than usual. Helens are a predatory breed that will stop at nothing to get their triple half-sweet non-fat caramel macchiato with an expired coupon.”

Officials at Short Pump Town Center plan to take aggressive steps to contain the Murder Helens, including displaying signs explaining the basics of white privilege and playing rap music at a moderate volume throughout the mall.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: