Please Stop Using Our Search Bar to Find Porn, You Know Who You Are (Roger)

RICHMOND, Va. — In recent weeks, The Peedmont’s webmaster, Kevin, has noticed an alarming trend. It seems that you (specifically you Roger, we see you) have been trying to use the search bar on thepeedmont.com to hide those searches for Amish gang bangs and clown fucking from your significant others.

While we appreciate the need for both a healthy sexual appetite and discretion, we ask you to please find other alternatives in your quest for masterbatory fodder. Our website does not contain any pornographic images or videos – unless you’re aroused by mediocre photoshops and our acerbic wit, in which case, check out Robert E. Lee Tentacle Erotica Leaves Both Sides Confused, Aroused and try not to make a mess.

Far be it from us to kink-shame anyone, but Jesus scatalogical Christ some of you need help (still looking at you, Roger). Kevin uncovered searches for fetishes ranging from pony play and frotteurism to meth-mouth blowjobs. One of you (Roger!) recently searched for “Seven Girls, One Colander.” And those are just the instances where we didn’t feel obligated to alert the FBI.

Don’t get me wrong, we’re not prudes. Hell, we’ve been known to scream our ninth grade science teacher’s name in the heat of the moment (shout out to Ms. Davis). We recognize that everyone has something that gets them off. But enough is enough (seriously, Roger).

So please, just do us a favor and find your porn elsewhere. If you need a recommendation, we’re fans of ThotHub and JizzHut. Kevin is what one might call a gentle soul and we grow tired of comforting his shellshock as he accidentally learns about your fetishes. We prefer that our website search bar be used for tracking down our beloved Virginia satire, and not Brazzers-quality pornography.

Be sure to visit our online store today. Except for you, Roger.