“Did you know that the moonshine in ABC stores is fake?” Says Guy Who Just Fucking Got Here

RICHMOND, Va. — During a recent work happy hour, North Carolina native Steven McComas, who just fucking got here, informed his co-workers that the moonshine sold in ABC stores is actually fake.

McComas, who relocated from Raleigh for a job at CarMax, enlightened the group to this ground-breaking news as if this were the first time any of them had heard the unbelievable truth about moonshine.

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“Someone had mentioned how their girlfriend did marketing for Belle Isle Moonshine, and the fucking new guy, who had had literally nothing interesting to say up until this point, piped up with this factoid. Like, you just fucking got here, bruh. Calm down,” Danielle Lane said of the incident.

Jacob Ochs, who was also present at the time, added, “New guy better watch it with those truth bombs. If he isn’t careful, he might just blow our fucking minds. Next, he’s gonna tell us that ‘Dirty Dancing’ was actually filmed in Virginia. Like, holy shit, really?”

McComas reportedly followed up his comment with a brief rundown on the history of moonshine in the South, as well as the proper ingredients that make it a truly authentic spirit. It was when he began to dissect the fakery of commercial moonshine manufacturers that he was cut off by the arrival of another coworker.

“Thank God Simone showed up when she did,” McComas said. “I could tell that the bullshit coming from my mouth was not impressing anyone. If she didn’t get there when she did, I may have gone straight for the fun fact about ‘Dirty Dancing’ being filmed in Virginia, and I know they wouldn’t have wanted to hear that.”

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