DUMFRIES, Va. — After nearly four weeks of extreme social isolation and numerous furtive glances over breakfast beers, Dumfries resident Matt Phillips, 29, finally proposed marriage to the shapely Tvürfot table lamp in his living room, sources confirmed Wednesday.
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Phillips, a securities consultant for a local firm, purchased the Tvürfot at Ikea last summer while shopping for his new apartment. He never intended it to be more than a mass-produced household item for his generic Northern Virginia domicile; however, the long weeks of being quarantined with such an attractive lamp have led to a relationship between the two.
Phillips claims that he noticed the lamp after five or six hours of staring off into space, aroused by its supple curves and smooth finish which reminded him of the silhouette of a former girlfriend. The attraction is purely physical, he admitted, and he finds their conversations lackluster.
In spite of all of that, Phillips said he feels a deep connection with the Tvürfot.
“The hours spent flicking its switch have been some of the most pleasurable of my life,” Phillips said while gently caressing the lamp. “I feel like we’ve really gotten to bond during this pandemic, and something really sparked between us. It just feels so real.”
He admitted that jerking off to a table lamp was an act of desperation as he had exhausted the collections of Pornhub, Redtube, and Jizzhut. Regardless, it was also probably the least weird thing about living through the world’s most mundane apocalypse.
“There’s just something about its supple curves and smooth edges that really turns me on,” Phillips continued. “Plus, it’s got a great personality. It just lights up any room it’s in.”
Phillips plans to hold off on any sort of ceremony until it’s safe to culminate their union in the company of friends and family.
He believes the two will have a long and happy life together, provided he can withstand the temptation of the Gontaagbur flower vase currently giving him “fuck me eyes” from his bookcase. “Maybe if I play my cards right, we can establish an open relationship.”