News Peed

Alexandria Stoner Proposes Milk and Cookie Bar Idea for Fifth Time Today

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Living up to his reputation as a man with many plans and absolutely no follow through, area stoner Max Kurtz has shocked exactly no one by coming up with the idea for a milk and cookie bar for the fifth time today.

Sources close to Kurtz confirmed that this was in fact the fifth time he came up with this idea after already listening to him explain the same concept four times over the span of a few hours.

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“‘Dude, dude,’ he said to me,” Kurtz’s roommate Lawrence Robinson recounted. “He might have said ‘dude’ a few more times, but I lost count. Anyway, then he went into this long, drawn-out rant about how no one has ever attempted something like this before and he needed to call his lawyer right away to protect his intellectual property rights. Then he just kind of dozed off while trying to hold a conversation with his cat.”

Witnesses reported seeing a red-eyed Kurtz emerge from his bathroom hours later only to suddenly recall his idea as if for the first time. This cycle repeated itself several more times until Kurtz finally passed out in his bathtub with a gallon of milk and a half-empty pack of Oreos.

“It was kind of funny at first, then it was just sad,” Comcast repairman Danny Kim, who entered the residence and was roped into one of the later iterations of the idea, said. “Also, I’m pretty sure his cat chewed right through his coaxial cable. What is he feeding that thing?”

At press time, The Peedmont had received several unconfirmed reports of a belligerent Kurtz seen outside of the CityCenterDC Milk Bar bakery threatening that they would soon be hearing from his lawyer.

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