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Lee Forced Into Second Surrender

RICHMOND, Va. — General Robert E. Lee of the Confederate States of America surrendered for a second time on Thursday, as Gov. Ralph Northam announced that his monument would be removed from Monument Avenue in Richmond.

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The removal comes after Black Lives Matters protesters targeted the statue for its glorification of a man who fought to uphold principles of the Confederacy—principles that include, as Confederate Vice President Alexander Stephens said, “the great truth that the negro is not equal to the white man; that slavery, subordination to the superior race, is his natural and normal condition.”  

While Lee’s army of defenders bravely fought a campaign of “we can’t erase history” and “you libtard socialists can’t tread on me,” the overwhelming tide of progress, racial justice, and actual studying of the Confederate monuments’ history won out. The statue will be removed at an unknown date in the future, and will likely be replaced by a statue of someone Richmonders can actually be proud of, like the guy who invented Chapstick, or the singer of that band that did “Love Is A Battlefield,” a song whose title is in no way at all ironic in this story.

The plans for the future of the Lee statue are still unclear, however historic preservationists have asked the statue be provided with the same postwar fate as Lee himself; one source close to Lee says that the statue will be moved to a large storage closet in City Hall, and that Traveller, the bronze effigy of Lee’s horse, will be buried a few miles from campus behind an Arby’s.

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