RICHMOND, Va. — In a continuation of his intrepid legacy of maritime exploration, the Christopher Columbus Statue left its moorings in Byrd Park Tuesday evening and set sail for the bottom of nearby Fountain Lake.
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Unlike past voyages funded by regal commission, Columbus’s latest excursion was sponsored by an enclave of local civic leaders eager to learn of the wonders of the lake’s mysterious depths.
“How’s the water, asshole?!” one member of the congregation demanded. “That’s for the people of Hispaniola! That’s for the generations you doomed to slavery!”
The Fountain Lake expedition was the Italian explorer’s shortest to date, lasting four minutes total from the moment he disembarked from his pedestal to his arrival three feet below the water line. His benefactors were quick to express their satisfaction in his expeditious completion of the journey.
“It’s about fucking time!” area merchant Elena Flores declared. “We’ve wasted too many years and too many public dollars honoring this evil prick. This should’ve been done years ago!”
News of the lake bottom’s discovery has ushered in a wave of enthusiasm for further statue-led exploration. Sources report that the J.E.B. Stuart and Jefferson Davis monuments will shortly begin a fevered race to find the bottom of the James River.
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