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Columbus Statue Discovers Bottom of Fountain Lake

RICHMOND, Va. — In a continuation of his intrepid legacy of maritime exploration, the Christopher Columbus Statue left its moorings in Byrd Park Tuesday evening and set sail for the bottom of nearby Fountain Lake.

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Unlike past voyages funded by regal commission, Columbus’s latest excursion was sponsored by an enclave of local civic leaders eager to learn of the wonders of the lake’s mysterious depths.

“How’s the water, asshole?!” one member of the congregation demanded. “That’s for the people of Hispaniola! That’s for the generations you doomed to slavery!”

The Fountain Lake expedition was the Italian explorer’s shortest to date, lasting four minutes total from the moment he disembarked from his pedestal to his arrival three feet below the water line. His benefactors were quick to express their satisfaction in his expeditious completion of the journey.

“It’s about fucking time!” area merchant Elena Flores declared. “We’ve wasted too many years and too many public dollars honoring this evil prick. This should’ve been done years ago!”

News of the lake bottom’s discovery has ushered in a wave of enthusiasm for further statue-led exploration. Sources report that the J.E.B. Stuart and Jefferson Davis monuments will shortly begin a fevered race to find the bottom of the James River.

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4 Comments on Columbus Statue Discovers Bottom of Fountain Lake

  1. CHARLES NEIL BERGENSTEIN // June 10, 2020 at 1:01 pm // Reply

    Holy Hell. Now I have to open up my keyboard to wipe out the beer that shot out of my nose.

    Like

  2. Donald E Buchwalter // June 11, 2020 at 6:48 pm // Reply

    You filthy animals are disgusting. You will answer to justice soon. I hope it’s painful.

    Like

  3. You know, I hate Trump and deplore racism, but the level at which you guys revel in the destruction of property here is appalling. Are you anarchists, or what? And as to who should be held responsible for racism in this country, try reading some history instead of taking the easy way out and relying on the crutch of “Columbus and Confederates bad, Karl Marx good.” How about the Jesse Helms and Strom Thurmonds of the world? Those guys are much more responsible for the state of things in this country than poor old Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson (who, for all his many faults, actually taught Sunday school for slaves in the 1850s…) Do something creative, for god’s sake and stop picking on statues.

    Like

    • CHARLES NEIL BERGENSTEIN // June 23, 2020 at 6:02 pm // Reply

      Maybe if folks hadn’t spent the last few decades ignoring people who were begging for their lives and for their freedom, they could keep their participation trophies to men who fought to keep our fellow citizens in chains, and other assorted homicidal maniacs like Columbus in Jackson. But instead, you want to grouse about looting and destruction of property, while our current malicious narcissist moron of a president rattles on against science and social justice. I used to be on the fence about their ‘historical’ value, then #45 went and opened fat stupid mouth, and all of his goose stepping boot lickers were like ‘Zeig Heil…. f$%k your feelings’ and I saw the writing on the wall. Now anything that they (and apparently you too) choose to value, I wish to see torn asunder.

      Like

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