RICHMOND, Va. — Following the toppling of the Jefferson Davis monument on Monument Avenue, Virginians across the commonwealth woke up this morning to a startling discovery: the common motor vehicle is no longer in existence.
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According to sources, vehicles everywhere simply vanished overnight, synching up with the controversial removal of the monument glorifying the Confederate leader at the hands of protesters. Joshua Ravenstein, a theoretical physics professor at George Mason University, hypothesized that in taking down the monument, something in history was changed that inevitably led to the car no longer being invented.
“There’s still a lot of research to be done,” Ravenstein said, “but it appears that we disrupted a rift somewhere, and that in doing so, we lost automobiles in our modern society. We’re not sure if suddenly Karl Benz or Henry Ford never existed, or if they just ended up pursuing other activities like, say, pottery or swimming. But one thing’s for certain: we no longer have cars.”
The sudden disappearance of such a household method of transportation has brought with it immense transformations to many industries and businesses, as with the removal of the modern car from society, the entire car industry has ceased to exist. Sam Peters, a former automobile mechanic in Goochland, says he woke up this morning to find he was suddenly a dog groomer for Petco.
“Sumbitches. We warned ’em,” Peters said with frustration as he prepared for work by suiting up for his now bicycle-based commute on I-64, a former automobile highway that is now filled with people using bicycles, tricycles, and horses as methods of transportation.
“We tried to warn ‘em loud and clear, but did those libtards listen? Nope, and now I’m stuck biking to and from work five-fuckin-days-a-week thanks to those idiots changing history.”
“And not the badass kind of biking either, like Harleys or Yamahas,” Peters continued, “because apparently the motorcycles were un-invented too. I’m talkin’ a cheap $20 bike I had to buy off my neighbor’s kid, which definitely has to be what socialist Venezuela feels like.”
In an even stranger twist, the town of Mechanicsville is now called “Plumbersville.” Ravenstein says that the erasure of cars from history subsequently led to the erasure of mechanics, thereby leaving no reason to name a town after an occupation that doesn’t exist.
John Taylors, a resident of West Point, also expressed anger over the loss of his Ford F-150, explaining that he had lost more in addition to his truck. “I had a copy of Waylon Jennings: Greatest Hits in the CD player, and now that’s gone too. Thanks a lot Democrats, you ruined things for everyone!”
Taylors also expressed confusion over the disappearance of the car, while other more advanced forms of transportation seemed to have remained untouched.
“Also, just how in the hell do we still have airplanes and fancy computers, but no cars? I ain’t no damn scientist, but that seems fishy to me. Sort of like a false flag operation, but instead it’s a false Ford operation.”
At the time of reporting, the nation’s leading engineers were reportedly banding together to try to re-invent the automobile as soon as possible. In an odd twist of hope, Ravenstein says that the engineers may have something working in their favor here.
“Despite the removal of cars from history, the museums remained untouched for some odd reason. We’re not sure why or how they survived with the information, but thankfully museums still retained the history and complicated mechanics of the automobile for us to learn from.”