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Monument Avenue Preservation Group Granted More Time to Dry Their Racist Tears

RICHMOND, Va. — Saying that it’s the least he could do for a group that will likely be forced to surrender just as the Confederates did, a judge in Richmond has given the Monument Avenue Preservation Group an indefinite amount of time to dry their racist tears, sources confirmed Thursday.

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“We know it’s been rough for them, having to come to terms with the inevitable,” a city council representative said, noting that boxes of tissues were being gathered for the groups that have fought a long battle to preserve monuments of people who were actual traitors to the United States.

“We’re going to give them some time to let it all out, dry their tears, and accept the fate of the statue of a guy who never wanted a monument of himself in the first place. But after that, they’re going to have to pack it on up and find some other trivial thing to get unjustifiably outraged over, like paying $5 more to renew a Costco membership, or wearing a mask in public spaces for the sake of public health.”

The representative did attempt to console the preservation group, noting that Arthur Ashe’s statue would remain untouched during the probable removal of the remaining city-owned monuments, before asking, “You all do care about that one equally, right?”

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