Ellwood Thompson’s Pledges to Offer Only Free Range COVID-19 Vaccine

RICHMOND, Va. —Holding true to their brand of all-natural grocery selections, Ellwood Thompson’s announced that they will be offering a free-range version of the COVID-19 vaccine, once a vaccine actually exists.

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Sandra Collins, the store’s general manager, said that once a vaccine hits the market, the store will sell it only if it meets their standards of being 100% natural.  

“Any vaccine at our store will have to be free-range and certified non-GMO, with no added antibiotics,” Collins explained, adding that the store will offer specials once the vaccine hits the shelves, perhaps even pairing it with options from their famed hot bar. 

“We do our best to make sure that people are only putting the Earth’s natural vitamins and minerals into their body. We’re also going to ensure we use local ingredients and partner with Virginia-based vendors throughout the entire process.”

Collins concluded the announcement with just the right amount of pomp and snark by letting potential customers know they have other options if they don’t want to pay a premium for the free-range version of the vaccine. “If you want a vaccine that may affect your health later on in life, you can always get the Food Lion brand.”

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