Richmond Police Interim Chief Resigns to Take More Hands-On Role in Brutalizing Protesters

RICHMOND, Va. — Interim Richmond Police Chief William Blackwell has announced his resignation in order to take more of a hands-on community policing role brutalizing protesters, the organization announced Sunday.

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“I’m hoping this new role will serve as a pseudo-retirement for me,” Blackwell said in a conference, adding that he hopes he can use this time to try and increase the distance he is able a throw a tear gas canister, a record currently held by officer Patrick “Slappy” Richardson, a hero among local police who gassed a crowd on Broad Street in 2011.

“I wanted to take a step back and focus on ways I could help the community as a private citizen, whether it’s in the form of distributing more blinding flashbangs to my cohorts, or whittling new batons to beat back protesters. I hope I can help make a difference and inspire younger officers who can’t wait to shoot a youth with a rubber bullet for not leaving a park.”

Blackwell also noted that he plans to implement training exercises with new recruits which will focus primarily on increasing stamina for more prolonged beatings without injury to the officer’s rotator cuff, and additional upper body exercises to better lift the Department’s new line of “Free Speech 5000” titanium-enforced riot shields.