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Stonewall Jackson Monument to Be Replaced by Statue We’ll Find Offensive in 2085

RICHMOND, Va. — Following the removal of the Stonewall Jackson Monument that has sat on Monument Avenue since 1919, the Richmond city council has hinted that while its replacement has yet to be determined, it will most likely be something we will all find offensive by the year 2085.

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“We haven’t figured out what we’re going to put up in its place just yet, but we’re confident that our future generations will have some legitimate issues with it,” Dianne Parker, a spokesperson for the city council, explained, noting that they weren’t going to lose sleep over the future discontent.

“Maybe we’ll put up a statue of an IPA, even though we may find out decades later that stouts were the better beers all along. Or maybe we put up a statue of a pineapple pizza from Bottoms Up Pizza; that might not seem like a huge deal right now, but we’re sure it’ll piss people off later on down the road. Actually, that last one might upset a lot of people today as well, so let’s scratch that idea.”

Parker went on to note that if future protesters want to advocate for the removal of statues that no longer meet current societal standards, the city council shouldn’t have a problem with it, as progressive actions and beliefs aren’t the worst thing in the world.

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