WASHINGTON — In a move to address the racial undertones behind the team’s name, the Washington Redskins have rebranded themselves as Industrialized Agriculture to keep the rivalry alive with the Dallas Cowboys, sources confirmed Sunday.
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According to team owner Dan Snyder, the name is based on the industrialized growth the agriculture sector saw in the northeast following the Civil War, which was a departure from what southern states experienced.
“It’s a time for a change, there’s no doubt about that,” Snyder explained, adding that while the team colors would remain the same, the logo would be changed from the image of a Native American to that of a textile mill foreman.
“This change allows us to address systemic racism while helping us maintain a rivalry with the Cowboys. We look forward to hosting the forthcoming seasons on a remodeled FedEx Field that now resembles a massive sweatshop.”
“The new Industrialized Agriculture-ers are eager to represent our nation’s capital, with Rivera leading the way from his new playbook, which we’ve dubbed ‘The Offensive Assembly Line,’” Snyder added.
Effective at the start of the 2020 season, the new mascot will be a turn-of-the-century steam locomotive engine named “Steamy,” and the players’ uniforms will be an homage to the immigrants and underaged children who provided cheap labor in factories, working six days a week for little to no money. Fans can expect changes for home game celebrations as well, where plans are underway to replace the famous Hail to the Redskins fight song with a train whistle.
Snyder said the team’s commitment to wokeness will extend beyond changing its name. In order to avoid sexist undertones and the exploitation of women, the team will switch out its traditional cheerleading squad in favor of small children dressed as itinerant factory workers.
He also confessed that he wasn’t too concerned with what the new name would be, although he did pass on the suggestion of the Washington Snipers. “Frankly, I don’t really give a shit what we call the team,” Snyder continued. “Call them the ‘Perpetually Terribles’ for all I care. I just want to see asses in seats. Daddy needs a new helicopter.”
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