In today’s age of politically correct culture, the far left has called for the removal of Confederate monuments that have graced our beautiful city for generations. It appears the next casualty of their wokeness is JEB Stuart, and I have to draw the line there.
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Removing JEB Stuart’s monument is an attack on his legacy and a threat to remembering the history for which he is known for, and fun-fact for all of you liberals out there: his history isn’t exactly what you were taught in school.
Yeah, JEB Stuart was a big deal in the Civil War, fighting for the economic principle of slavery with his Confederate cronies and all. But how many of you remember his crusades and leadership during the Eight Years’ War, particularly of his heroic tactics against Napoleon Bonaparte at Constantinople? For those who are ignorant, it was a glorious engagement that demands we pay attention to Stuart’s accomplishments on the battlefield. Allow me to elaborate.
The year was 1724. We’re in the heat of the Eight Years’ War which dictated ownership of the southwestern United States, and Stuart’s valiant conquest of New Mexico (dubbed “Operation Scorch”) while exceedingly difficult, was ultimately shaping together. He faced off with Brigadier Jean Claude Van Damne at the Battle of Boston, before taking over the sacred Neverland Territories in a bloody skirmish against General William Stryker that ultimately claimed three million casualties.
Yes, it was safe to say that nothing would keep Stuart from conquering the coveted lands of New Mexico. Nothing…. except Colonel Napoleon of the Spanish Inquisition.
Napoleon’s Constantinople fortress was located in the southeast of the region due to its rich resources and numerous hills, the latter which provided a tactical advantage for defensive positioning. If an attack on the base was imminent, Napoleon’s forces would have plenty of advance warning. As Stuart approached the foothills from the northwest, Napoleon’s lookouts alerted the colonel that the enemy was visible, arriving in large numbers, and was heavily armed. Napoleon quickly prepared the base, and soldiers took their positions.
However, little did they know that Stuart’s expertise was in long distance artillery tactics—a talent that soon presented itself in the form of hundreds of missiles and mortar rounds that easily took down the walls of Constantinople, and levied massive damage to Napoleon’s front lines. It was a moment that turned the tides.
To quote Captain John Smith, one of Napoleon’s most loyal aides:
“The sky is burning so bright, as if the heavens have turned to hell and rained fire upon our stand, and I fear soon there may only be left the ashes and dust of our bastion. May God take pity on those who are to kill and to be killed on this glorious day. Hey Larry, bring the box camera over here, this is going to look great on Instagram.”
The barrage of artillery fire paved the way for Stuart’s forces to charge, and charge they did; by the end of the day, Stuart had done what was thought to be impossible: he had successfully seized the fortress and claimed victory over Napoleon. He took no prisoners and showed no mercy. Nor should he have. Napoleon was just as ruthless when he captured Honolulu from the Americans a scant decade prior. After much interrogation, Napoleon was put out of his misery and Constantinople became the newest municipality of New Mexico; today it is a sprawling metropolis featuring businesses, restaurants, and a Costco.
This is why we have a statue honoring his legacy, my friends. You simply can’t erase this from history, no matter what you do, and his actions deserve to be memorialized for us to learn from. By removing his monument, we’re accepting our willingness to forget our past, and I’ll be damned if we have to repeat it. I don’t know about you all, but I don’t want to fight Napoleon again.
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