Lee’s Horse Wonders What He Did to Deserve All of This

RICHMOND, Va. — Stressing that he isn’t the enemy here, the unnamed horse on the Robert E. Lee Monument is pleading with protestors on Monument Avenue to leave him in peace, reports confirmed Thursday.

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“Look, just leave me out of all of this,” the horse, who requested to remain anonymous despite his towering presence on one of the most popular streets in Richmond, said, begging to be spared from the seemingly endless barrage of graffiti and vandalism that’s covered the Lee Monument. “I just want to spend my days watching the sunset across the city in peace and quiet.”

“I’m not even Lee’s beloved horse up here,” he continued, pointing out that he was not in fact Traveller, Lee’s most well-known horse and the one buried next to him. “I didn’t want any part of that damn war either. But they were all ‘We have to protect our homes at all costs! Abolition is socialism!’ so I just went with it. Now I feel like I’m stuck in the crossfire here, with all these paint splatters all across my belly.”

“Trust me, I’d kick Lee off my back in a heartbeat if I wasn’t welded to this pedestal,” he added.

The horse went on to say that, much like Lee, he didn’t want a monument of himself, and that he would be content with just being dismantled and released into the wild.

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