CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Mechanicsville native and soccer mom of five Karen Henderson remains confident that a kale and cucumber salad will be enough sustenance to carry her through four different Charlottesville winery tours.
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Henderson, who spent months planning the weekend getaway with her friends Krissy and Kaitlyn, said she was concerned that ingesting foods with any substantial caloric content would impede her ability to enjoy the wine and make her look bloated in subsequent Instagram photos.
“I’m just here to get away from the kids and have a blast with my girls,” Henderson said. “Besides, we’re going to Duck next week and I have to keep my body bikini ready.”
Witnesses said that Henderson started the day strong, downing an entire bottle of 2013 Meritage at Jefferson Vineyards. However, by the time they reached Thatch Winery, server Emmanuel Macro could tell her energy levels were draining. “She kept calling us Hatch,” Macro said. “Or Satch, or Patch, or Match, or Hash, but never Thatch Winery.”
Macro went on to claim that Henderson was utterly shitfaced and dancing in a way that only middle-class white women can.
“Watching someone floss is embarrassing enough when they’re sober,” Macro said. “She took it to another level and did things with a cardigan that cardigans were never meant to do.”
After a quick stop at Michael Shaps Wineworks, Henderson and her friends finished the day off by visiting Trump Winery. Despite being completely exhausted, a witness said Henderson still had enough energy to shout “Make America Great Again” while posing with a glass of Trump Chardonnay.
Henderson was last seen dry heaving in the parking lot of a Charlottesville Cookout while balancing her tray and milkshake.