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Report: Lee’s Chicken Only Affordable Food in Whole Foods Parking Lot

RICHMOND, Va. — A recent Sustenance Affordability Study found that Lee’s Famous Recipe Chicken is the only affordable food on the grounds of the recently opened Whole Foods on West Broad Street. 

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This study, led by Dr. Jane Maury with the VCU School of Applied Food Sciences, was commissioned after numerous complaints of the grocery store’s high prices. The study sent secret shoppers into Whole Foods with $20 and a predetermined shopping list to cook a dinner for two. The results of the study shocked researchers; not a single study participant managed to get all of the ingredients for under $20.

“Nine fucking dollars for eggs,” Maury commented angrily. “Are you shitting me? I don’t care if they are cage free. For that much money, they can stuff those things right back in the chicken.” 

In addition, researchers found numerous other overpriced ingredients touting buzzwords such as grass fed, artisanal, ethically sourced, and antioxidant rich. The researchers were especially dismayed as they had planned to have lunch at Whole Foods as a part of their research. Aghast at the cost, most resolved to skip lunch until one researcher noticed the freshly remodeled Lee’s Chicken in the parking lot.

“We just said, ‘fuck it, hypothesis confirmed’ and headed next door to stuff ourselves with fried chicken and biscuits for under ten bucks,” Maury said. “It’s good to know that there are still some places left that are both good and don’t pander to a rapidly gentrifying marketplace controlled by upper-middle class consumers with lots of disposable income to spend on food,” Maury said while wiping fried chicken grease from her chin. 

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