Ellwood Thompson’s Promises Fired Employees Were Recycled

RICHMOND, Va. — After days of silence, Ellwood Thompson’s addressed the controversy surrounding recently-fired employees, assuring customers that despite being terminated, their former workers were recycled.

“Our commitment to this planet comes first,” Ellwood Thompson’s HR representative Simon Bostwick said. “We fulfill that commitment by ensuring the employees that have been let go are fully reused. Our thoughts and prayers go out to their families at this difficult time. Also, we have locally-sourced and fair trade jicama on sale.”

While details are murky, the controversial firings allegedly stemmed from issues surrounding employees getting tested for the coronavirus. Ellwood Thompson’s has not offered any additional insight into the situation except to say that they’ve cleaned their store thoroughly. Those in the know admit that while the store may be clean, management has plenty of dirt on their hands.

“This whole thing is just compost,” Fan resident Mary-Karen McIntire said. “Pure compost. Which is great for my garden, but not so much for the employees. I don’t know exactly what happened, but I’ve heard it’s not nice. Eco-friendly, but not nice. We’re going to get to the bottom of this.”

RELATED (article continued below):

McIntire reported she asked to speak to a manager but was displeased to discover that the manager was one of the employees that was fired and subsequently recycled.

“Obviously I have mixed feelings now,” McIntire admitted. “I’ve been going to Ellwood since the early days when there was a Blockbuster next door and a poorly lined parking lot. And it was terrible what happened to the employees. But it was great for the environment. Damn. Does this mean I have to shop at Whole Foods now? Because I was really hoping to avoid that.”

While area residents are wondering whether the situation is dire enough to pledge allegiance to a chain store, Ellwood is doubling down on their core values.

“We want customers to know that we empathize with those who are no longer here,” Bostwick commented. “And while our commitment to our staff is of the utmost importance, our commitment to Mother Earth is of the utmost importance plus one. Did I mention the jicama?”

Once recycled, the former employees are used to support sustainable agriculture, per company policy. In the spirit of reusing materials, Bostwick used the opportunity to plug their job openings.

“We’d like to take this time to let people know that there are several positions available at Ellwood Thompson’s, including a managerial position. No experience necessary, and no drug or coronavirus testing. We do ask that all who apply are 100% recyclable. Please inquire within.”