FAIRFAX, Va. — Saddened by the unnecessary loss of life caused by COVID-19, well-meaning pothead Lance Garcia, donated his vaporizer to Inova Fairfax Hospital’s critical care unit.
A devoted stoner, Garcia said that he watches a lot of daytime TV and has seen the many proposed treatments for coronavirus such as hydroxychloroquine, UV lights, garlic, and bleach. He also saw ads for getting your shit together and going back to school to get your degree but figured this was a better place to start.
While watching a CNN special on the outbreak he had an epiphany. Unfortunately, he forgot about it. Then he had another epiphany, which he wrote down: he had smoked pounds of weed since the outbreak began and he had yet to get sick, so perhaps marijuana could help others.
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“I use my vaporizer like six times a day and I haven’t gotten sick yet, so it must work,” Garcia said. “Even if it doesn’t, what’s the worst thing that can happen, am I right?”
Garcia said he did not mind parting with the vaporizer as he had at least twenty-seven other methods of getting high at home. “You gotta try squirting hash oil in one of your holes, dude, it will straight wreck you for the afternoon,” Garcia said, though he failed to specify which holes were most effective.
Garcia delivered his prized vaporizer, nicknamed Esmerelda, yesterday to a confused security guard at the hospital’s main entrance. “This guy wearing a Grateful Dead bandana tied around his face just wanders up to me and hands me this Quiznos bag full of marijuana and a vaporizer,” George Galloway said. “He told me that he wanted to help and that he hoped someone in the hospital could use this to cure coronavirus.”
Galloway said the hospital turned over the bag to the Fairfax County Police Department, who issued Garcia a citation for possession.
“We appreciate Mr. Garcia’s generosity, and recognize the efficacy of therapeutic cannabis to treat certain medical conditions,” hospital spokesperson Penelope Booker said. “But we want to make sure the public is aware that marijuana does not inoculate against or cure COVID-19, and that smoking actually increases the likelihood of serious illness. However, if you don’t think that certain hospital spokespersons smoke it on the regular to keep their sanity during these crazy times, you are what doctors refer to as ‘nucking futs.’”
Booker attributed Garcia’s ongoing good health to his slothfulness, as Garcia has been too lazy to leave his studio apartment for the last six months and therefore has had minimal contact with other people. She also commended Garcia’s Hash Oil in the Holes method.