Richmond Police Declares Powhite Parkway Flooding an Unlawful Assembly

RICHMOND, Va. — Citing various crimes ranging from jaywalking to destruction of property, Richmond Police (RPD) has declared the extensive flooding throughout Powhite Parkway an unlawful assembly, the department confirmed Sunday.

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“The flooding we’re monitoring on the Powhite Parkway is in direct violation of multiple laws that are put in place for everyone’s safety,” RPD Captain Doug Branner explained in a statement, before directly addressing the massive surge of rainwater that has overtaken the highway.

“You do not have a permit to be here, and you are blocking traffic. This is your final warning — please disperse immediately or we will be forced to take action.”

Branner also noted that officers in riot gear were standing by to use force against the flooding, which may range from the usage of tear gas, flashbangs, and rubber bullets.

“Our first thought was to try and detain the water,” said Branner. “Usually, we’ll use handcuffs, or zip ties. Maybe even a net. However, it appears as though none of that would work here. That’s what the bullets and flas bangs are for.”

Sources confirm that this is the first time in recent memory that the RPD was called to forcibly remove rainwater, though many recall a rogue tornado in 2007 that blew into the city before being ran out of town almost immediately by the Richmond Police.

Despite the show of force, police are hoping for a peaceful end to this situation.

“Our goal is that no one gets hurt,” says Branner. “We just want the water to go home quietly.”