Virginia’s Major Interstates, Ranked by Sexiness

While Virginia is known for a variety of fascinating topics, one particular aspect stands out like a glowing beacon of irresistible lust: infrastructure. So we did the research on Virginia’s major interstates, and have finally reached a conclusion in the longstanding debate on what the commonwealth’s sexiest highway is, along with all of the runner-ups.

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Interstate 85
Coming in at dead last is Interstate 85, which stretches from Petersburg—a void in Virginia’s lovelife—to South Hill—also a void in Virginia’s lovelife, just a deeper and greasier one—and we can’t think of one quality that testifies to any attractive intimacy I-85 has to offer. If you matched with Interstate 85 on Tinder, it’d open the conversation with “hey, how r u?” before asking you to happy hour at Ruby Tuesday’s. Sexiness level < 0.

Interstate 81
While we’re amazed by impressive length, what I-81 possesses in size, it lacks in originality. Nobody wants to spend countless hours driving through meth-infested farmland on a date. You’d also think that after 300 miles, one would be able to pass through a city more interesting than Roanoke, but not 81. We imagine our first (and likely only) night with I-81 would involve cliché stories about nature, an obscene amount of cheap white wine, and way too many awkward physical interactions. Unless you can somehow get Chris Hemsworth along for the ride, there isn’t much sexiness to be observed here.

Interstate 95
We celebrate I-95’s diversity and willingness to dabble in the countryside while also partaking in the fast-paced city life. We think this multifaceted ability to spice things up could speak volumes for its bedtime performance. That being said, nobody wants to spend their evening putting up with Northern Virginia’s traffic congestion. Sorry 95, but no amount of amazing sex is worth sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic with some of the state’s worst bureaucrats. If you can somehow figure out that nightmare commute in Fairfax County, we’ll consider calling you back.

Interstate 66
We like to think of Interstate 66 as the best no-bullshit, straight-to-the-point partner the commonwealth’s infrastructure has to offer. It’s not too long, yet at the same time it connects major transportation arteries across Northern Virginia. There’s no foreplay on I-66; you hop on, you do your thing, and that’s that. Kinda refreshing, if we’re being honest. However, it loses points for not having anything to do with the legendary Route 66. When you steal the name of the Main Street of America, we have some serious hesitations about that second date.

Interstate 77
We can’t help but be attracted to ol’ I-77’s gruff demeanor and rugged appearance. And, even though it’s technically Virginia’s shortest highway, it’s not the size that counts—it’s how you use it (or so says some of our male staff). It also must be stated that, while I-77 occupies one of the most godforsaken parts of the commonwealth, it doesn’t do so for very long. This brawny highway gets into Virginia, realizes where it is, and then gets the hell out. Therefore we think that, in the bedroom, I-77 would pick up the right cues at the right time, exceeding any sensual expectations we might have had going in.

Interstate 64
We crown Interstate 64 as number one due to its dynamic presentation; I-64 has the ability to spawn multiple auxiliary interstates in the Hampton Roads area, slice through the state’s capital, cross the Blue Ridge Mountains and the Shenandoah Valley, and partner up with I-81 for a few miles before dashing off to West Virginia for more. The sky’s the limit for this wanderlusting highway, showing a rigorous initiative that often translates to experience in intimacy. Call us loopy, but that kind of worldliness is just downright sexy, thus its potential in the bedroom can’t be underestimated. Come to us, 64, and give us a reason to wake up in the morning.

Know what else is sexy? The goods in our online store.