CDC Confirms 3rd Street Diner Patrons Only Bit of Population Immune to Coronavirus

ATLANTA — Explaining that frequenting the establishment can help build up an immunity to various diseases, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) confirmed on Sunday that 3rd Street Diner customers are immune to COVID-19.

RELATED (article continued below):

• Mike Pence Kicks off Hands Across America Event to Fight Coronavirus
• Belle Isle Used To Quarantine Coronavirus Victims, Creates Bitchin’ Good Times
• Quarantined Museum District Neighbors Beautifully Sing GWAR’s “Saddam a Go-Go” From Balconies

“It’s no secret that 3rd Street Diner is a cesspool of some of Richmond’s sketchiest and most dynamic clientele,” CDC representatives said of the 24-hour diner that offers greasy grub to anyone who either has asphalt for taste buds or who is too drunk to notice what they’re eating at 3 a.m.

“As a result, our studies show that regular trips to the diner can build up an immune system that not even COVID-19 can compromise. If you can regularly stomach a plate of eggs and bacon from a kitchen that may or may not have been cleaned since 1998, then nothing can you kill you.”

The CDC noted the diner’s famed history as a hospital during the Civil War and stated they found traces of other virus strains from the period throughout the diner. Epidemiologists theorize that the diner’s regular patrons over the years have built a herd super-immunity to COVID-19.

The CDC concluded their statement by announcing they had been cooperating with the diner’s staff to create a vaccine made from Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and stove-top grease from the restaurant’s kitchen.