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White Middle-Class VCU Freshman Can’t Wait to Lecture You on Race Relations

RICHMOND, Va. — During his long and arduous career of intense activism in which he suffered the indignity of being one block away from a tear gas canister one night, Dana Johnson, a white, middle-class VCU freshman, has learned that the most effective way to change society for the better is to lecture people on topics that he has no personal experience with — namely, race relations.

“As a seventh generation German American, I know what it’s like to be marginalized,” Johnson said in a recent interview. “So, for the next four years, I am going to make myself absolutely insufferable until everyone gets this the way I do.”

According to sources, Johnson has spent the summer reading several complex texts on race in order to shame his friends and classmates into feeling just terrible about themselves.

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“Yeah, I wouldn’t say I’m a scholar,” he explained, “but I read Dr. King’s ‘I Have a Dream’ speech once about two years ago, and I also read that one Black Panther comic that Ta-Nehisi Coates wrote. So, I guess you could say I’ve got the background to explain race relations in today’s society.”

Johnson, the son of a college professor and a physical therapist, recounted how difficult his middle-class existence was in the suburbs. “It was unbearably white. I mean those people didn’t even use seasoning, am I right?” Johnson stated, trying to give a fist bump to nobody in particular. 

He hopes to develop his lecturing skills before his family dinner at Thanksgiving. 

“I am just so excited to lecture anyone willing to listen about how much I know about race relations and how, you know, we should just like … get along and fight the power. I hope my family respects that I will shame them incessantly about the pilgrims and Native Americans or whatever they need to be shamed about that day.”

Johnson is eagerly awaiting any and all opportunities to lecture anyone willing to roll their eyes in his general direction. “I really think I’m making a difference. I mean, if someone doesn’t already hate white people, they definitely will after talking to me.”

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