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Amanda Chase Insists Bucket of Pig’s Blood for Child’s Science Experiment

RICHMOND, Va. — Dismissing rumors that she was plotting a cruel prank against a Democratic colleague, Sen. Amanda Chase, R-Chesterfield, insisted that the 5-gallon bucket of pig’s blood sitting in her office was actually for one of her children’s school science projects.

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“Look, I may be a state senator, but I’m also a mom,” Chase said. “And when my child comes to me and says ‘Mom, I need pig’s blood for my science project. Can you bring home a bucket from work?’ Well then, I’m bringing home a warm, brimming bucket of the finest American Yorkshire you ever done seen.”

Members of the Senate remained unconvinced by Chase’s assertion, claiming details of her story didn’t add up. “I don’t buy it,” Sen. Mamie Locke, D-Hampton, said. “When I asked her which of her children requested the pig’s blood, she said it was for one of her girls, but she has three boys and one girl.”

“Where the hell do you even find that much pig’s blood?” Locke added. “And are we sure it’s even from a pig?”

While the origins of the bucket’s sanguinary contents have yet to be confirmed, further evidence has surfaced lending credence to the growing suspicions about Chase’s intent. Security camera footage acquired from the Pocahontas Building showed a shadowy cloaked figure leaving the senator’s office at 1:25 a.m. on Sunday with a sloshing bucket in hand. 

When questioned about the footage, Senator Chase spat at the ground, shouting “Voi vedea casa și animalele tale reduse la cenușă!” None of the senator’s staff could explain why she began to yell in Romanian. 

At press time, no formal investigation had been announced.

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